Feeling like you're worthless

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 I've been feeling very worthless lately. I recently got a cold (not corona thankfully) and was stuck in bed resting. Before that I was going to the gym and that kept me occupied but being sick and in bed, thats when the feeling really started to sink in. I did my advanced levels back in October 2020 and have been awaiting results ever since. It was supposed to be the end of March 2021 but then they said end of April so it should be soon when we get them. Theres a lot riding on those results so thats sort of overwhelming sometimes and just waiting around doesn't exactly feel productive. I couldn't post anything on youtube in like a month because I just wasn't feeling upto it. Putting yourself out there is still very very new to me too and that holds me back from posting or just showing my face on camera much which is bad. Its my vlog and without a bit of context it just doesn't make sense. But I am getting better at it. I watched Peter Mckinnons How to vlog with no ideas video yesterday and in it he said just talk to the camera and get better at it even if you dont post it which made a lot of sense. So I spent a good part of my day yesterday telling my camera that it doesn't intimidate me and It helped. I have this interpretation that everything posted is always a first take so when I initially just cant talk to the camera I immediately assume im just bad at it and its not for me. But once you do warm upto it, its kind of okay. Like you can sort of sound genuine. Which is something. 

Youtube feels very overwhelming sometimes too. Not because my videos aren't doing that well or anything I dont mind the analytics but the fact that people I know watching it is terrifying. Its a really fun thing to do and I love recording and editing and making it fun, not to mention having a record of my life so I keep having to come back to those reasons to stay positive. No one is going to care what I do whether its vlogging or blogging but its still sort of weird, putting myself out there. I hope I get more comfortable with it as it goes. 

I understand now that i feel somewhat worthless and a time waster because im not actively doing anything. Writing this blog post right now, I feel better and less time wastey. The cold is better so I can go to the gym again. Aaaand I edited and have a YouTube video ready to upload in like 4 hours. I want to practice my guitar more too and learn more songs. Plus I've wanted to understand the muscle anatomy in the body which could help tear them apart better at the gym. So I might do that too. 

So I guess the cure to feeling worthless is to actually do something meaningful to you. That you know will benefit you in the future. And even one small step towards that direction might just be enough to keep you sane throughout the day.

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